Shatter Me
by Ccspears23
Summary: Clary's broken. Except nobody notices. Everyday she plasters a smile on her face and laughs along with everyone else. She acts like a normal teenager. She has tons of friends and the whole school loves her. But we she be able to fix herself? Rated M for drug use, self harm, abuse, and language. It might include lemons later on. I'm still deciding.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! So this is my new story. I hope you guys like it!**

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I stretch out my aching bones and slowly rise out of my bed. I stumble into my bathroom, wincing with every step. I undress and look at the scrawny, pale, bruised body in my mirror. I look absolutely disgusting. Bruises cover my entire right side and the faded ones still light up my abdomen like a christmas tree.

I can't say how long I've had these. Some of them don't seem to want to go away.

The parts of my body that aren't ridiculed with bruises, are covered with scares. Most of them from _her_, but a good majority of them are from myself. I try not to stare at those ones because I'm ashamed of what I did to myself, but I'm better now. I don't use the pain to forget, I use drawing instead.

My pictures tend to be morbid but there are a couple that bring a smile to my face. One of them is the picture that I drew of me and Jon. He's has the goofiest grin on his face and green paint in his pale blonde hair. I have to many colors to count in my hair. It ranges from bright yellow to dark purple. I miss those days where I could be free and no have a care in the world. But those days are over. Gone. Never to return.

I let out a sigh and exit my bathroom. I get dressed in clothes that will cover the scars and bruises. I start to brush out my hair when _she _interrupts me, "Clarissa! Get your ass down here!"

I let out a sigh and quickly finish brushing my hair. I grab my backpack and start to head downstairs, only to be stopped by a glass bottle shattering right above my head. I let the glass rain down on me as I hear Jocelyn cursing at me. I simply ignore her and head out the front door. I continue walking on the route to school, humming to Three Day's Grace's song Animal I've Become.

I hear a car engine rev up from behind me and I role my eyes. I hate when people do that. It's like, we get it, you own a nice car but know one cares. The wheels screech against the black tar of the road as they speed up. Somebody lets out a holler and I turn my head to see a guy from my school. Probably the most annoying but lovable at the same time.

"Hey, Fray!" The blonde yells. His gold eyes meeting my bottle green ones.

"What's up Herondale?" I yell back.

He smirks as the car approaches me. "You want a ride?" He asks in his usual cocky ass voice.

"Um.." I say mocking uneasiness.

"Come on. I don't bite. At least not all of the time," his smirk grows bigger at his innuendo.

I let out a low chuckle before letting out a huff of air, pretending to think about it. "I don't know..."

His car is now driving slowly right next to me. "Please?" He asks giving me the puppy dog eyes that always make me give in.

"Okay," I sigh feigning displeasure.

I open the door to the passenger seat and get in. Jace turns his eyes back to the road but not before I see his smirk grow even bigger, if that's possible. He turns up the radio playing that horrible rap music he listens to. He starts to sing along, poorly I might add. The song ends finally, thank God, as we pull up to a stop light. Jace turns to take in the damage as we sit waiting for the light to turn. His hands starts to reach for my head, but I flinch away from his touch. His eyes show the hurt and pain that my actions have caused him but his facial expression gives away nothing.

"Sorry," I mutter.

"There's no need to be sorry, Clary. I'm sorry you have to live with that bitch," he says comfortingly.

I give him a small smile in understanding. His hands reaches for my hair again but this time I don't flinch. He looks relieved at my non-responsive actions. He pulls his hand back to show me the glass that was imbedded in my hair.

"Beer?" he questions.

I shake my head and mumble, "vodka."

He gives me a pained look. When Jocelyn drinks beer she isn't nearly as bad when it's the vodka. Usually it's the beer but on occasion the vodka leaves it's place in the pantry to join Jocelyn on the sofa.

Jace leans over and presses a kiss to my forehead mumbling, "your so strong, Clary."

If only he knew how broken I actually am.

We're both called from our reverie from the sound of honking horns. The light is now green and Jace presses on the gas pedal. He turns up the radio as the song Talk Dirty by Jason Duerlo comes on. I have to admit this is one of the few songs with rap in it that I actually like. We start to sing along so out of key that I'm surprised the dogs haven't started to bark. The rapping part begins and Jace and I take turns rapping it. As soon as it's over we're both in hysterics.

Jace pulls into the school parking lot and he parks in his usual spot. We both get out of the car still laughing at how horrible we sound. He throws an arm around my shoulder and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to not wince. He notices my pained expression and quickly drops his arm and starts rambling, "I'm so sorry. I completely blanked. I'm so, so, sorry. I swear I didn't mean to. God, I'm such and idiot."

I let out a chuckle and give him a smile telling him its okay, that it's not a big deal. He gives me a small smile and we continue down our hallway.

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**I hope you liked it! Let me know if you think I should continue!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much! I seriously thought this story was going to be a flop. So thank you so much for following!**

**P.S. This chapter gives everybody a glimpse into Clary's past.**

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As Jace and I continue down the hallway, we get the occasional 'hey' or 'what's up?'. We usually just respond with a grin or a nod. Well, in Jace's case a smirk.

We stop by my locker for a few moments so I can grab my things before continuing on to class. Jace starts to talk about the party coming up. Apparently, according to Jace, it's going to be the best party of the year. I highly doubt that. People will get drunk, make-out, smoke, or whatever else they want to do. And in the aftermath everybody will wake up with pounding headaches and blurry memories of the night before. That's how every party goes in this school.

"So are you in?" I hear Jace ask.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked confused. Oops.

He let's out a sigh before saying, "will you come to the party with me?"

"You know I can't," I respond numbly. I can't go for many reasons. All of them somehow intermingle with Jocelyn. The main one, that scares the shit out of me, is the consequences if Jocelyn found out.

He gives me a nod but he still has a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Maybe you could sneak out. Just for a few hours. Then you could come party with me and we could hang out. It would be fun wouldn't it?" he smiles as if his plan is simply fool proof.

"Jace, no. Do have any idea what she would do if she found out?"

"Think about it. Please?" He gives me those damn puppy dog eyes for the second time today. Damn you, Jace.

"Fine," I huff.

He fist bumps the air and lets out a 'whoop' signifying his accomplishment. We get a few stares but everybody is used to us so most simply ignore his action.

We reach our first class and walk through the doorway. As soon as we enter the too all heads turn to us. We're used to this so we just keep walking to our seats.

Before I came to high school I was a major geek. I had big glasses, braces, and extremely frizzy hair. I absolutely loved video games, comic books, and I would fangirl about a series that I really enjoyed. But all of that stopped the year my dad left. My dad, Valentine Morgenstern, was my favorite person in the world. He would always buy me new books or games and would always make me smile. I was always his little girl and I loved every second of it. He left me though. He had caught Jocelyn having an affair with his best friend and lost it. He packed everything he owned and was gone within twenty-four hours. I had cried and begged for him to stay or at least take me with him but he shook his head and said, 'I can't take. Your to much like _her.__' _Those were his last words to me. After that I had cried for days non-stop and when I finally did make an appearance was the first time Jocelyn hit me. She blamed me for his leaving. Saying that it was all my fault and that I should, quote, 'get the fuck out of her life'.

My eyes sting with tears at the memory, but I quickly blink them back before anybody notices.

After he left I made my heart like a stone so I couldn't get hurt anymore. It is easier than having to deal with any of it. I also promised myself that I would recreate myself so I could start over. So eighth grade year I got my braces off, got contacts, and stopped doing everything I enjoyed, except reading. That year I became friends with almost everyone in the grade and everybody loved me. That's the way it is now in junior year. I'm friends with everybody, even the science nerds, and they all love me, well what the think is me.

I became friends with Jace freshman year. At first he tried to hook up with me, being the player he is, but after he said something quite disturbing to me, I had slapped him. After I 'assaulted him', as he says, he quit trying realizing I wasn't going to give in. We had become very close in a very short period of time. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him.

He first found out about the abuse when he made a surprise visit to my house one evening and saw the bruises. I had tried to deny it but he could always read me like a book. Jace was furious. He said he had wanted to go downstairs and give Jocelyn a piece of her own medicine, but I had stopped him. If Jocelyn had found out about somebody being in my room, especially a boy, I would have been killed. Jace tries everyday to convince me to go to the police about her but I can't. And deep down he knows I can't too. If I go to the police I will be forced into a childcare center until I'm eighteen.

I sit down in my chair and turn my body to face Jace. He is currently talking to Sophia, his girlfriend of the week. By the look on her face he is probably breaking things off with her. And to think it's only Wednesday. He must not have liked her performance. Even though I hate the way Jace treats girls, they're basically asking for it. They know what to expect from him. He hasn't had one relationship last longer than a week, but every girl seems to think that they will be the one to change his ways. But it always ends the same way. With their heart breaking.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by Jace snapping his fingers in front of my face. "Where'd you go?" He questions.

"Sorry, just thinking about some things," I say nonchalantly.

"If your sure," he shrugs.

The teacher walks into the room and begins to teach about chemical build ups etc.

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_End of the day..._

I'm sitting outside on the steps of the school with Jace by my side and his friends next to him. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I hold back a cringe. I turn my head and see Jace's step sister/one of my best friends, Isabelle Lightwood. "Hey Izzy," I smile.

"Hey," she plops down next to me and begins chattering away about the party.

"What are you going to wear?" She asks.

"I don't know yet, Izzy. I just decided today that I was going," I sigh.

"Your coming over to my house before so we can get ready together," she states.

I mentally cringe. Getting ready with Izzy includes, poking, prodding, tearing, and constant moving. "I don't know..." I hesitate.

"Oh, it's not an option. Your coming over wether I have to drag or not. Isn't that right Jace?"

Damn you, Isabelle Lightwood. Damn you.

"Your coming over Clary," Jace's voice is firm and stern, almost proving that there is no arguing with him.

I shoot him a glare and respond in a confident voice, "I have to ask my mother first."

Jace pales and Isabelle groans. "Clary, just be wild this one time. It's not like she's going to find out, and if she does you will probably only be grounded. It's not a big deal."

'If only you knew,' I say mentally.

"Iz, I'm actually with Clary on this one," Jace's voice doesn't waver in the slightest but I can see in his eyes he is truly worried.

"What? Are you kidding, me? You just said that she was coming over! You can't change your mind like that," she shoots him an accusing look.

"I can and I will," Jace crosses his arms over his chest and sends Isabelle a glare.

"Ugh, you guys are no fun, with that Isabelle gets up and flounces off. I send Jace an apologetic/thankful look and rise from my spot on the stairs.

"I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow," I say to the rest of the group. They all either give me a half wave or a full wave with a smile.

I start back on my way home with my earphones blaring 'King for a Day' by Peirce the Veil featuring Kellin Quinn. I walk through the door to my household only to be met with the smell of smoke and a glass bottle flying towards my head. I quickly duck as the bottle connects with the wall right next to me.

"You little bitch! How dare you leave me hear without anything to eat! I could have starved to death! You ungrateful little slut!" Jocelyn screams at me.

I ignore her and walk straight to my room. I know that this will only inflict more pain on me but I just don't have the energy to deal with her. As I enter my room I make sure to lock the door behind me. I turn on my radio and let the music pour into my ears. I few tear slip down my face but I quickly wipe them away.

What has my life become?

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**CHAPTER FREAKIN' 2!**

**I hope you liked it! Tell me what you thought!**

**Thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I DIDN'T HAVE ANY TIME TO FIX MISTAKES SO I'M SORRY IF THERE ARE ANY.**

**Hi everyone! I just completed my high school placement test! I either did really well or completely bombed it. Let's pray it's not the latter.**

**Thats all that needs to be said so onto the chapter. **

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_Friday..._

I sit at my usual table of friends, eating my sad excuse of a sandwich. Jace and Isabelle are arguing about who's driving who to the party and who is going to be the designated driver. Magnus and Alec left not to long ago to probably do unspeakable things to each other in the janitors closet. Maia and Jordan have yet to make and appearance and save me from this torture that Jace and Izzy are putting me through.

"Stop being a bitch and just drive us to the party," Jace says angrily. I try my hardest not to flinch at the sound of harsh words and sharp voices.

"Why should I drive? In fact I remember driving last time so in context it's your turn," Isabelle replies with the don't push me voice.

"You didn't drive!" Jace throws his arms into the air, "Alec did! Alec always drives, since he can't go though it's your turn!"

"Please stop," I mumble.

Apparently nobody heard me because Isabelle snaps, "You bastard! Just drive! Besides I can risk getting a hangover, but you? You have soccer practice tomorrow and we both know the coach would kill you if you came to practice hungover!"

Jace seems to realize this but he is to stubborn to just give up that easily. "Who's says I'm going to practice? It's not like I need any. I'm the best player on the field," and the arrogance is back.

"Oh don't play coy. We both know you would get your ass beaten if you didn't go to practice," Isabelle says harshly.

That was my breaking point. I quickly stand up gather my things and exit the cafeteria. I drop the food and tray into the nearest garbage can and go straight to the girls bathroom. I feel the tears start to prickle in my eyes but I hold them back. I can't be weak. I shouldn't even react to things like that but sometimes I can't help it. I rush in and without looking to make sure anybody is in there, I go straight into the farthest stall. My fingers are shaking as I try to lock the stall. My eyes are starting to get blurry with tears and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to hold back the sob. I finally get the latch to lock and I sink down onto the farthest wall from the entrance. I lean my head back so I'm looking at the ceiling. I feel the first tear trickle down my cheek soon followed by others.

I don't make a single noise in fear that somebody will hear it. I sit there and wallow in the torture they call life and the pity I feel for myself. God, I'm such selfish a bitch. There are people out in the world that probably have it tens times worse than me and here I am crying over a simple fight between my friends.

After a good ten minutes I'm finally able to calm myself down. I wipe the remaining tears from my face and shakily stand up. I unlatched the lock on the stall and slowly walk over to the sink. I turn on the cold water and splash it on my face. The water feels chilling yet burning hot on my skin. The reflection in the mirror is not me. This reflection looks unbreakable...happy. I'm begin to feel anger and pain course through my veins as I stare at the mirror. Why can't I be that person?

My vision goes red and the sound of shattering glass echoes through the room. My vision returns to normal and I see the remnants of the mirror filling the sink. I see my hand reaching out for one of the shards. My brain is screaming at me to stop, to pull my hand back but I can't. It's like some invisible force is pulling me towards the shattered remains. As my fingers curl around the blade like edge of the glass, I feel it puncture my skin and I see the blood start to drip down. I grasp it tighter and tighter until I can't stand the pain anymore. I let it go as if it burned me and quickly use another sink to clean the cut. Once it's clean I get a better look at it. It's deep but it doesn't hurt badly. In fact it feels good, not like good good but the sort of horrible goodness. I feel a small smile grace my lips as I soak in the feeling of this horrible goodness.

The ringing of the bell breaks me out of my euphoria. I have a decision to make. I either go somewhere else, somewhere that will let me feel this type of euphoria again, or I can go to class and have people ask about the cuts. The choice is simple. People don't need to worry about me so I shouldn't give them anything to worry about but these cuts will make them worry. I let out a deep breath and exit the bathroom.

The hallway is mostly empty except for the occasional straggler trying to get to class. I feel as if I'm on a cloud where nothing can hurt or touch me. I feel protected from all the evil in this God damn world. My feet carry me out the door and onto the sidewalk. I don't know where I'm going exactly but I know when I get there nothing is going to stop me from feeling the horrible goodness.

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After thirty minutes of walking I end up in one of the worst parts in town but I can't be worried. I actually feel safer here than I would at home.

I see a group of people about two or three years older than me with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths and tattoo's decorating their bodies. I walk over to where they stand and they look at me skeptically.

"What are you doing here, little girl?" One of the guys with a piercing in his lip, asks.

"Can I have one?" I gesture to the cigarettes.

They all look at me as if I have a third eye before hesitantly handing me one. I give them a grateful smile as a girl with black and pink hair, lights it for me. They all are watching me to see if I will actually follow through with my intentions. I place the cigarette between my lips and breathe in deeply. I choke on the smoke and they all break out in a smile. A couple let out a laugh and I laugh with them.

"Have you ever smoked before?" The girl who lit the cigarette asks.

"No. This is my first time," I say boldly.

They all nod as if they're absorbing the information. "Why aren't you in school?" I voice asks from the back of the group.

"I neede to get out of that hell hole," I reply.

"Why didn't you just go home then?" the same voice asks.

"Why does it matter?" I snap.

A few chuckle at my feistiness. I let a smirk place itself on my lips as they seem to accept my presence. I place the cigarette between my lips again and breath in. This time I don't choke but as I feel the smoke burn my throat and lungs I can't help but smile. I've finally found my escape. I've found people who will accept my choice's and actions. They won't judge me and they won't ask questions about my fucking life. I huge grin breaks across my face at the thoughts.

As I breath in the smoke from the others I can't help but feel at home.

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**Clary is now official lost. **

**I hope you liked it! Tell me what you think!**

**Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

**New chapter! I hope you guys like it!**

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The world seems to be spinning below me. It's as if I'm on a cloud looking down on everybody. But in reality I'm sitting on the shoulders of one of the guys from the group I met. I've been hanging around with them for hours now. School ended a long time ago and my friends are probably worried but I can't get myself to care.

The group has moved from its past position, on the street corner, to one of their apartments that was only a few minutes away. Most of the people are either seated on the couch or a kitchen chair. We took shirt, pants, and socks an made this mini ring for our game.

We, the group and I, have made a bet. We had the two biggest guys, Drake and Logan, place the two smallest girls, Sarah and I, on their shoulders. We then, in our drunken state, try to push each other off. The floor is carpeted so it would't hurt to bad if we fall but more than likely someone will catch us.

I have a half empty beer bottle in my right hand and my left is placed on top of Drake's head to keep me from falling over. Sarah has both hands empty and has perfect balance on top of Logan's shoulders. Somebody yells, "Go!"

Everybody is still for a moment before Sarah pushes her arms out in front of her. Logan only has to take three steps to reach where Drake and I stand. Before I know it my beer bottle is on the floor and Sarah's hands are at my shoulders. Everybody is cheering for the competitor that they bet on, most of them happen to be me. A smile lights up my face as they cheer my name. I use all the force I possibly can to push Sarah back. She starts to tip backwards which makes Logan have to take a couple steps back. Drake uses his opportunity to take a couple steps forward. We are right in front of them again and I give Sarah a apologetic, yet happy smile before I push her once more. The push send her backwards and Logan barely manages to grab her before she hits the floor.

The room erupts in cheers and 'whoops'. Drake lifts his arms and grabs my waist. He uses his muscles to lift me off his shoulders and onto the ground. Except my feet don't reach the ground, I wrap my arms around his neck and cling to him while smiling like an idiot. He laughs and lets out a cry of joy. Everybody around us is either accepting the money they won or unwillingly giving their money to the victors.

A sudden burst of adrenaline and excitement run through my body and I yell out the top of my lungs, "We are the kings!"

Everybody lets out a big "Whoo" in agreement.

I detach myself from Drake and stumble towards to counter where the beer's are. I grab another to replace the one I lost and pop open the cap. I drink half the bottle before finally breaking free from it for air. I'm panting from the lack of oxygen but that doesn't stop me from downing the rest of it. I look around the room at my new friends and have a genuine smile light up my face. I wish I could stay here forever.

I look out the window and see that it's dark outside. I should probably go home now. I sigh at the thought but think, what's a few more hours?

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_Five hours later..._

I stumble down the street to my house. I see the lights just up ahead and I let out a giggle. The lights are really pretty from this distance. They seem to form some gorgeous...thing. I let out another giggle as I stumble up to one of the pretty lights on the porch. My hand reaches for it and as I touch it, it tingle before it turns painful. I let out a whimper and frown. Why did the light burn me?

I shrug my shoulders and amble my way up the steps. Just as I reach the top step I hear a yelling in the house. Why would somebody yell that loud? My hand tries to grasp the door handle. It takes a while but I'm finally able to grab it. I swing it open with a smile on my face expecting to see happy faces. I frown a little when I see nobody's waiting for me. Did they not miss me?

I stumble up the stairs and into my room. I swing the door open with the same frown on my face, but it quickly dissipates as I see a gorgeous golden person sitting on my bed. "Jacey," I squeal.

His head shoots up in my direction. He has a shocked look on his face before it turns angry. I stagger towards him and my hands reach for his face. Whenever he is angry lines appear on his face and those don't make him look pretty. I use my fingers to try and smooth away the lines but he swipes my hands away. I pout a little before whining, "don't be angry. When your angry lines appear on your face and make you look less pretty. But don't worry I tried to smooth them away."

The lines reappear and I let out a huff. As soon as I stop wiping them away they reappear.

Jace stands to his full height which is about nine inches taller than me. He crosses his arms over his chest and looks down at me. Disappointment and anger are clear on his facial expression. "What's wrong?" I ask before remembering the party. "Oh, how was the party? I want details," I say excitedly.

The lines on his face become more noticeable but as I reach up and try to wipe them away, his hand catches my wrist. "What the hell Clary?" His voice is angry and kind of scary.

"What?" I ask innocently. Did I do something wrong?

"Where have you been?" His voice is low and menacing. His grip on my wrist is really tight and it really hurts.

"With friends," I reply, my bottom lip trembling.

"Don't give me that shit," Jace says venomously.

"Jace your scaring me," I whimper.

"I don't give a fuck if your scared. I've been scared that I would find your body in some fucking ditch!" Jace raises his voice. He never raises his voice at me.

"Why are you yelling?" I ask with a slight whimper.

"Why am I yelling? I don't know, maybe because my best friend has been missing for God knows how long and when you finally do show up your drunk off your ass!" He yells.

I cower back but his grip on my wrist stops me from going any farther. "I'm sorry," I say slightly trembling.

His face softens and he pulls me into a hug. "You had me so worried Clare-bear. Don't ever do that again," Jace mumbles into my hair.

"Okay," I mumble back.

"Your lucky Jocelyn isn't here. Do have any idea what she would do if you came home at this hour drunk?"

I shutter at the thought and nod my head. "Were you the one yelling when I got here?" I ask.

He rubs the back of his neck before replying, "Ya. I was on the phone with Alec. I called him as soon as I realized you were missing."

"You don't have to worry about me. I'm perfectly fine. I even made new friends," I say with a giggle.

"Ya...I don't want you hanging around with them anymore," Jace says sternly.

I pull back and look him dead in the eye to see if he's serious. "Why not? They're really fun! I had the best time ever with them!" I say with a smile.

"Clary, you smell like smoke and alcohol," he deadpans.

"Oh, that's just from this afternoon. Well, at least the smoke part. Besides, you drink alcohol," I counter.

A new look takes over his face but I can't decipher it. "Please don't tell me you were smoking," he pleads.

I decide to hide that part of my afternoon from him. "Of course not. I'm not that stupid, silly," I give his arm a playful slap.

His body visibly sags with relief. "Promise me you'll never do that," he begs.

"Okay," I nod my head knowing full and well that I will not stick to my promise.

Jace sighs before pulling me into another hug. Well at least someone cares.

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	5. Chapter 5

**I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO EDIT SO PLEASE FORGIVE MY MISTAKES!**

**Hi everyone! Sorry for not updating until now it's just I've been working on my story Captured Angels and I've been having trouble with inspiration. But I'm back so yay!**

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_Two weeks later..._

I let a big puff of smoke pass through my lips as I close my eyes and take in the smell of the city. I smell the grime of the garbage in the alleys, the fuel from the taxi's that wonder around the city in search of people, and the smell of greasy food being served to people in restaurants. I smile as I breathe in the smell because it reminds me that I belong here.

"Hey Clary, you coming or what?" I'm broken out of my revery by Drake's voice.

I jump from my spot on the curb and reply, "ya, one sec." He shakes his head a little with a smile and turns back to the group. I drop my cigarette on the ground and stomp. I spin on my heels and amble my way over to my friends. "So, what's the plan?"

"We were thinking we'd bring you to a club. You've never come to one with us and we feel like you should experience how much fun it could be," Sarah explains

"I don't know..." I hesitate. Jocelyn would kill me if she knew I went to a club that's the main reason I don't go to any parties. "Jocelyn would kill me if she found out." They don'y know about my situation with Jocelyn. All they know is that I live with her and she's overly 'protective'.

"She won't find out. We'll have you back before eleven," Seth says with hidden excitement. I know I shouldn't but I really want to agree.

I nod my head and everybody let's out a cheer of victory. I smile and shake my head at the group. They really are a handful.

Over the past two weeks I have hung out with them multiple times. Jace has never found out of course, or else things would go to hell. I've done a good job at keeping this part of my life secret. I feel a tad bit of remorse keeping this a secret from Jace. I promised him that I wouldn't smoke and two days later I was at it again. But Jace doesn't understand what I'm going through, nobody does. This my sweet escape from the pain and hatred that occupies the other half of my life. With these people I can be my true self and not have to hide my darker sides.

* * *

I push my way through the gyrating crowd, trying to find Drake. It shouldn't be hard because he's huge but when your my height it makes it a challenge. I look around for his black hair and bright green eyes but I come up with nothing. The crowd seems to condense around me and I'm stuck between two people making out and two other people basically fucking on the dance floor. I roll my eyes and try to push my way through. People glare at me when I push them and I have the urge to sick my tongue out at them even if its childish. I brush by somebody and they spin around with a half-assed angry look on their face. He looks me up and down before a small smirk graces his lips. His eyes finally reach mine and I see a mischievous look in them. I start to walk away but he grabs my hips and pulls me back towards him.

"Where you going, sweetheart?" the man asks in a sultry voice.

"To find my friend," I reply trying to wriggle free from his iron grip.

"I'm sure your friend can wait. Come on, lets dance," the mans mouth is right by my ear now. His breath tickles the shell of my ear and it send shivers down my spine, definitely not the good kind.

"Actually he can't. I have to go," I stomp on his foot in hopes of getting free but his grip doesn't falter once.

"Feisty," he growls into my ear. "Loosen up and dance." He starts swaying his hips to the music making mine move along as well.

"Let go," I say in a deadly voice.

"Why would I do that?" He asks with a grin. He starts to leave slobbery kisses all over my neck as I squirm in his grip. He spins me around and his mouth connects with mine. I squeeze my lips together but slowly his lips find there way to melt with mine. The next thing I know his tongue is in my mouth almost choking me. In a rush of adrenaline I bite down on it and as he pulls away, shocked by my actions, I slap him across the face. I can't stand to be anywhere near this cretin anymore. I storm through the crowd not bothering to apologize as I bump into people rather harshly.

I finally spot Drake sitting at the bar with Seth and Nikki. I stomp over to where they sit and shoot daggers at them. I stand their with my arms crossed over my chest and a stony glare aimed at them. It takes them a minute or two to notice my presence, but when they do their look says everything. They know not to mess with me right now, especially with my pissed off demeanor. "Take me home now," I say sternly.

They stay silent for a minute expecting some blow up, but when it doesn't come they relax. "Okay," Drake says. He rises from his place and places his hand on the small of my back. I brush it off quickly and shoot him a glare.

"Don't touch me," I threaten. He puts his hands in the air in surrender as we exit the horrid club. We walk the first five blocks in silence. I can tell that Drake wants to ask me questions but he withholds. Well that would be the best idea he's had all night.

"Okay, hold up. What happened that got you into a bitchy mood," Drake sighs exasperated.

I shoot him a glare that could chill you to the bone but he seems unaffected. "I hated that club so I wanted to leave. is that enough for you?" I spit out.

"No, it's not. You stormed up to us and practically dragged me out. So, unless you tell me what the hell happened we won't be taking a single step," He says determinedly.

I huff and wrap my arms around my torso to keep me warm. I regret not bringing a jacket right now, but I can't be distracted. I spin on my heels and start walking home again. I don't hear footsteps behind me which thankfully means Drake isn't following me. Thank God.

I've walked at least three blocks and when I was absolutely positive he wasn't going to make a reappearance I changed my direction. My feet knew the way to go. I've only been to this house a million times. After a good thirty minutes the streets start to change from lower middle class houses to huge, posh, modern houses. Houses that you see in a magazine that you want to so desperately live in. I reach the intersection that sits right in front of Jace's house. I look at his gorgeous mansion-like house with it's white trim and light gold siding. The porch has two huge pillars that reach up to the balcony. His house is truly gorgeous.

I amble my up to the gigantic porch and hesitate for only a minute before crossing the lawn so I stand in front of a tree on the side. I start to climb up the tree until I reach a window. i peer inside to make sure it's empty before unlatching the window and climbing in. My foot gets caught on the window sill and I fall face first into the carpeting. I groan as I make myself sit up. I look for the lamp that is on Jace's bedside and turn it on. Light explodes through the room blinding me temporarily. I blink a couple times and my eyes adjust to the new found light. I stand up and make my feet carry me to his dresser. I pull out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and quickly through them on. I take off my wedges and fold the dress that I had on. I place them at the foot of Jace's bed and pull back the covers. I climb in slowly but surely. My eyes drift shut and the darkness is just about to consume me when the door creaks open. I hear a startled gasp and open me eyes. They connect with Jace's and he gives me a look saying 'don't ever do that again'. I give him a smile and close my eyes again.

"What happened?" Jace asks hesitantly. I usually come hear when Jocelyn is out of control which results in many injuries.

"Don't worry. Nothing happened. I just couldn't face going home," I say sleepily.

"Okay. Where were you?" He asks stepping further into the room.

"Just around the city. I was looking for a new place to hang out," I lie.

"Find anything interesting?" He asks with a slight smile. I shake my head and snuggle deeper into the bed. Jace let's out a chuckle at my childish actions. "You should just stay the weekend here," Jace says off-handedly.

"Maybe," I mumble.

"Really?" Jace asks with a surprised tone.

I open my eyes again and reply, "ya, it'd be nice to get away from that hell. Even if only for a little while."

"Your welcome here anytime Clary. If it were up to me I would make you move and protect you from everything that could ever hurt you."

"Well, thats a nice thought except reality would crush it like a bug," I say dejectedly.

Jace doesn't respond. He pulls off his black t-shirt and unbuttons his jeans so they slip off of his body. He walks over to the bed and lays down on the opposite side. I move over a little so I'm right up against him. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face into his chest. He lets out a breath before wrapping his arms around me. My eyes drift shut and I let out a content sigh. I'm just about to fade away into the night when Jace mumbles something. I can't quite tell what he said so I just snuggle deeper into his side. The darkness finally decides to take me away into the night, only for me to dream of abused children, monsters creeping through the night, and Jace giving up on me. He can't giv dup on me because if he does I will loose the last ounce of sanity I have and be lost in this hell we call life.

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**I am so sorry for not updating sooner! I've been super duper focused on Captured Angels and thinking of new ideas so ya. Please forgive me.**

**Tell me what you think about this chapter!**

**Thanks!**


	6. AN

**Hi everybody. **

****I'm so sorry. I know that I haven't updated in forever and I am so sorry about that. Things haven't been easy with school winding down and everybody trying to get a better grade. Not to mention I have to write a speech for my 8th grade continuation, which totally sucks. Also I have tried to write the chapter at least 20 times but when I sit down I type about five lines before I lose my inspiration or I just can't write. I know you all probably hate me right now, honestly I would to. I have been such a crappy updater, I'm surprised you guys have stayed with me this long. I just want you to know that I will try everyday to get this chapter done and if I don't have it done by thursday I will force myself to sit at my computer for however long needed, without food/water/sleep/potty breaks, until I get the chapter done. I am so so so sorry. Don't be afraid to let your frustrations for me out with a review or a PM. I will understand if I get hate. I deserve it. I am sorry, please just forgive me. ****


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